Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas was good...Christmas Day, itself, anyway. We had family over, ate too much food, laughed, a lot, and my bestie and I took our dogs out for a longish walk, just the two of us with the dogs.

After they left, however, things got a bit hairy. For some reason, Hubby was In A Mood. Not sure why.
The long and short of it is that I spent Christmas night, alone, while he slept on the couch.

Things were no better by morning, and by that night, things were completely out of control.

Hubby flew into a rage. I mean a rage. He was full blown crazy. He punched a huge ass hole into the bedroom wall and left the house, telling me that it was over.

Merry Fuckin' Christmas to me.

He came home the next day. We talked. I still feel...angry. Pissed. No, worse.

I am hurt beyond words.

He has done this to me so many times that I have lost count.

He has ruined the trust that we have built and I feel as though I am (and the kids) expendable as far as he is concerned.

I am just so tired of this. We have been together for more than 7 years and he still has one foot out the door.

I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays to all of my blog buddies - well, Happy Holidays, Walker. Hope Santa gives you everything that you want.
Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 4, 2008


So...I have been offline for a bit. Lots going on, and then there is the depression thing.


Then there is the family shit.

Hubby's sister has moved her stabbing ex boyfriend back into her house.

Oh yeah, you read that right...The boyfriend (and father of kid number two) stabbed kid number one with a screwdriver just about two months ago.

Kid number two is actually sleeping in empty garages and flopping on couches because, obviously, he is not comfortable sleeping under the same roof as the asshole that jabbed a gapping hole in his side.

Imagine that. The kid is freaked out.

Now, just to back track, this boyfriend (ok, he is in his 40's not exactly a boy) has:

broken SIL's arm

smashed her eye in, giving her a great purple bruise and stitches just in time for Easter

baracaded himself in the house with a then 10 month old infant and SIL, threatening to kill himself

stolen money (diaper money, rent money) from SIL to buy coke

dropped the baby countless times due to the fact that he was drunk and alone with the baby

This is just what I am coming with off of the top of my head. I once had a frantic phone call from SIL asking Hubby and I to rescue her and the kids from the boyfriend when he was abusive....When I showed up, I was told to FUCK OFF, cuz, you know, I am not family.

This is the same sister that can't take a 6 minute bus ride to work (her 70 year old dad drives her everywhere, getting up early and sometimes staying up till the wee hours). She borrowed my cell phone, ran up a $600 bill and paid me 50 fucking bucks on it. Oh yeah, the same 50 bucks that FIL promptly took because we owed him.....

Can you tell that I am pissed?

There is another sister that babysits all of the time, for free, cuz you know, poor woman is overwhelmed. That sister and Hubby's 85 year old mom have the kid more that his mom does.

WHY, oh why is it that she keeps this asshole around? Her family does everything for her, it's not like she has no other support. Boyfriend has NEVER paid any support, even though they have been apart more then they have been together. Not one penny, not even bought his own kid a birthday gift or newe shoes.

He is not only putting her life at risk, but now he is putting her two sons at risk. I mean, LITERALLY. He almost killed kid number one.


I have been some real losers in my time (uh, ex number one and two) but I got the hell out of dodge when my kids were at risk. I had NO help, no family and was on my own. She has everything is still with a jack ass.

I think that if F&CS finds out that Boyfriend is living there, she will lose her son.

You know what else I think?

It might be the best thing that ever happened to him.

Friday, November 7, 2008

There is a whole shit load of head clogging crap swirling around me today.

I have been thinking a lot of old friends. Some of these old friends I am in contact with (thru email) and some I am not. Most of the old friends are men, which is why I don't bother to mention them to my Hubby.

My Hubby is a great guy in many ways, but he is incredibly jealous, even of the ghosts of my youth. I suppose that I can understand. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I miss my friend Shane.

A lot. (He is the second half of my twins)

We dated, it's true, but he was my best friend, long before we ever dated. When his brother and I broke up, we started spending more time together, and at the time, dating Shane seemed like a natural progression.

It wasn't. We dated for about 4 months before we recognized that we should just be friends again. It took awhile, and I thought that our friendship was fractured forever.

It wasn't. A couple of months later, we were best friends again (and I was dating his brother, the right twin for me).

Shane was by my side when I had a miscarriage, and a subsequent break down. He never left my side, all of those days and weeks that I stayed in bed, too despondant to even eat.

I have often told people that he saved my life, and I truly believe that he did. I would not have survived without him.

I am still in contact with his brother. (My first love). His wife and I are facebook friends and message each other now and again. It has been a long time and she has nothing to fear from me anymore. I have a life here in Ontario that I would never leave.

Time marches on and love fades away.

Shane and I would still be friends, too, if it weren`t for one thing.

His religion.

He is a Jehovah`s Witness and his religion tells him that unless I am saved and convert to being a JW, I am not worth his time and effort.

It breaks my heart.

I often wonder about people that can belive in a God that tells you to walk away from your family and life long friends because they have a different idea of Heaven and salvation.

Thinking of the twins makes me miss the ocean.

I can not describe the yearning that I feel when I think of Halifax Harbour or the lake that I spent that summer tanning my skinny little ass by.

I have been planning a return trip to Dartmouth for 18 years. It hasn`t happened yet.

I keep thinking of my sister in law, that passed away last April. Hubby has 7 sisters and of all of them, she was his fav. She was funny and sweet, gracious and full of life. She passed out at work one day and never woke up. It was that fast.

I never got to know her the way that I wanted to, the way that I should have.

I can`t get her or her grieving husband and kids off of my mind.

Then there is the everyday shit. Bills, kids, work, and Christmas.

Christmas. I wonder what it will like this year, now that my oldest daughter is pretty much shacked up with her no good boyfriend.

Like I said, normal head clogging crap.

I wish that I could turn it all of sometimes.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

10 Things About Me

I have one blog friend here, and it seems that in some ways he has the advantage..or do I? I can read his archives, but I am new here, no real history to speak of. So, for you, my bloggy buddy, I will tell some of my deepest, darkest, secrets.

1. I used to work in the morgue, as an assistant. I loved the work, but could NOT handle the maggots and the smells.
2. My two best friends have been my friends for 29 and 24 years. They know more about me than my own family, and I love them more than most of `real`family.
3. I am estranged from most of my family members. There are various reasons, but the end result is the same for all of them. They are out of my life.
4. I am an expert shop lifter.
When I was a homeless teen, I made food money by stealing. I have never robbed anyone, or mugged anyone. I just stole from big box stores to make some cash.
5. I miss some of my estranged family. Sad, but true.
6. I wish that I didn't.
7. I dated identical twins. They were not completely identical.
8. My mother abandoned me when I was three. I was raised by my Dad.
9. I have some Canadian celebs in my family. (Nothing like Paris, or Madonna, but any self respecting Canadian would know of them). It doesn't get me better tables at restaurants or free stuff.
10. I know more about cults and ritualistic abuse then your average person.
Ok, ok, some of these things are known by my friends, and a couple are deep, dark, secrets.
Stay tuned for more.........

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ranty Rant

My husband's fucktard of a nephew is in trouble again.

Last summer-ish, he was arrested, along with two or three other young offenders, in a stolen vehicle, with weapons, booze and stolen goods. The Fucktard, who was driving, tried to run a cop over. (Did you read about this?)
He was already on probation, but I have no idea for what.

I really thought that he was gonna serve some time. Hubby and I argued about it, b/c I felt that he should do some sort of time. He has gotten away with everything his whole life. He dropped out of school at 16 and neither of his parents cared. He sat around playing video games and getting stoned.

The Fucktard goes to court, and is given.....drum roll please.....more probation. He is supposed to work full time, keep his curfew and of course, he is not allowed to associate with known criminals.

Of course, Fucktard works about two days, rips off his employer (also Hubby's) and is seen or heard from again. Hubby is thrilled about this, b/c Fucktard is USELESS. He cries, moans and complains the whole day. The worst part? Fucktard's father wants Hubby and his work partner to pay Fucktard out of their paychecks. WTF?

The next we hear, Fucktard rips off a bunch of drug dealers for about a grand. I dunno, stole the weed, I think.

Guess what happens? Fucktards parents call MY HUBBY and want HIM to do something! They want him (us) to deal with the dealers b/c FT is gonna get fucked up by the not so nice men that sell drugs.

Hubby suggests getting FT to own up to what he did and work something out with the dealers to pay back the money. I mean, what, are we supposed to pay them back? Hubby is supposed to beat a bunch of people up? Hubby is 38 and would serve at least two years. They know this, they still think that it is up to Hubby to smooth things out.

Fast forward a few weeks. The Nice Drug Dealers find Fucktard and beat the living shit outta him.

Flash forward again.

Hubby and I run into Fucktard's mom and little bro's in the grocery store. Now, this woman is the ex girlfriend of Hubby's bro. She talks trash about the whole family and treats all of the family like crap. Of course, she has a need now, so Hubby is her best friend. She is all smiles, chewing her gum with her dirty ass lips smacking like a cow munching its cud. She tells Hubby,

Oh, Tom, did you hear? I was gonna enlist your help?

It seems that she wants my Hubby to go beat up the drug dealers b/c of what happened to her baby boy.


I am sooo gd tired of people knocking on our door asking us to clean up their messes. Hubby has been doing it since he was a kid. He is the youngest and he is expected to be at the beck and call of all of his siblings.

Last month, we almost killed the guy that his sister shacks up with now and again, b/c he stabbed Hubby's nephew with a screwdriver. This is a different sibling, different nephew. I could have killed this guy. I could have. I came sooo close to doing something irreversible and moronic because I was so caught up in all of it.

I am done. I am out.

These little pukes need to fend for themselves. If it were up to me, I would have delivered that little asshole to the drug dealers myself.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


My beautiful, incredible, amazing, stubborn daughter is 13 years old. She was diagnosed with type one diabetes when she was just three years old. It was one of the worst days of my life and I can only recall it in bits and pieces. The parts that I do remember, I remember vividly, in colour.
I was still with my ex then (Husband number two, not one of my great loves) and he was, as he still is, useless as hell. He offered very little support, and I felt as though I was on my own.
I still feel that way, mostly because I am. I am estranged from most of my family,and the ones that truly matter are in a different province, and in the case of my sister, a whole other country.
Molly has had her ups and downs with this horrific disease. Her blood sugar has never really ever been under control, no matter what we did.
Of course, now she is a teenager, and it has only gotten worse. She spent her entire Christmas holidays in the hospital last year, and had two other one week stays.....It has been a struggle.
Recently, she underwent a 24 hr urine test. The test will tell us if she has permanent kidney damage.
I am beside myself....She has no idea how her life will change if we get bad news next week. None at all.
I do, and that is what scares the shit outta me.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Pirate Movie: First Love

First love...I have been thinking alot about my first love.

I was 13 when The Pirate Movie came to theatres. I saw Raiders Of The Lost Ark instead and caught The Pirate Movie on the movie channel. I watched it until I knew most of the dialouge and all of the song lyrics by heart. (Sadly, this is still true. I can sing the songs word for word and I talk along with the movie).

Christopher Atkins was my idea of a perfect first love. I waited and prayed for my first love.

He came along 3 years and a new province later. I spent many lonely months on my mothers front steps, waiting for fate to intervene and help my 1 st love find me.

He finally did, in the local mall. His name was Blaine and when I fell, I fell hard.

We were off and on for a year, until I decided to 'visit' my home province of Ontario. I promised Blaine that I would be back, that I could never leave him.

That was 1987. I have lived here ever since. I carved out a new life - or, rather, refurbished my old one - and moved on alone.

It has been many years since I have seen him. He is a grandfather now and has been with his wife for 18 years. I remember the day that he told me that he loved her. He said that she was the first person that he didn't compare to me, and that when he was with her, he only thought of her - not me. I was going to tell him that same day that I was leaving my husband and wanted to know if we could try again.

I never told him and he went on to marry a wonderful woman.

I still think of him. How can I not? So many of my memories are centered around him, around us. The time that we spent together were some of the happiest of my entire life.

Here's to you, Blaine, my first love.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I have been thinking a lot about mental illness and the way that we are treated...those of us that are mentally ill - in the media and in society in general.
I am bi polar. I am not going to blow up a house, rob a bank, steal your garbage cans or break into your house to have a shower. Oh yes, these are all portrayals of the mentally ill on tv.
I am a mother, and I do not work outside of the home.
Does this make me a bad mother? I am not sure.....I do have mood swings, I do stay in bed for hours - maybe even days at a time.
I do not, however, take illegal drugs and sleep with every man that I meet. In fact, I can count on three hands all of the men that I have ever been with. All of them. I even know all of their names, first and last. This is a far different reality from the one that we are faced with in the media.
I wish that people could see the real me.
Better yet, I wish that people cared that there IS a real me, and I am not a caricature of a an actress that is wailing away on the small screen about the plight of the crazies.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I guess that this is my place for talking about things that I can't seem to say aloud....I have so much on my mind and I dread the thought of my family finding me or this place.
Sometimes I need to unload, and I just can't always do that in 'real' life.
Just setting up shop here.

I wonder if anyone will notice me ?