Friday, November 7, 2008

There is a whole shit load of head clogging crap swirling around me today.

I have been thinking a lot of old friends. Some of these old friends I am in contact with (thru email) and some I am not. Most of the old friends are men, which is why I don't bother to mention them to my Hubby.

My Hubby is a great guy in many ways, but he is incredibly jealous, even of the ghosts of my youth. I suppose that I can understand. Still, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I miss my friend Shane.

A lot. (He is the second half of my twins)

We dated, it's true, but he was my best friend, long before we ever dated. When his brother and I broke up, we started spending more time together, and at the time, dating Shane seemed like a natural progression.

It wasn't. We dated for about 4 months before we recognized that we should just be friends again. It took awhile, and I thought that our friendship was fractured forever.

It wasn't. A couple of months later, we were best friends again (and I was dating his brother, the right twin for me).

Shane was by my side when I had a miscarriage, and a subsequent break down. He never left my side, all of those days and weeks that I stayed in bed, too despondant to even eat.

I have often told people that he saved my life, and I truly believe that he did. I would not have survived without him.

I am still in contact with his brother. (My first love). His wife and I are facebook friends and message each other now and again. It has been a long time and she has nothing to fear from me anymore. I have a life here in Ontario that I would never leave.

Time marches on and love fades away.

Shane and I would still be friends, too, if it weren`t for one thing.

His religion.

He is a Jehovah`s Witness and his religion tells him that unless I am saved and convert to being a JW, I am not worth his time and effort.

It breaks my heart.

I often wonder about people that can belive in a God that tells you to walk away from your family and life long friends because they have a different idea of Heaven and salvation.

Thinking of the twins makes me miss the ocean.

I can not describe the yearning that I feel when I think of Halifax Harbour or the lake that I spent that summer tanning my skinny little ass by.

I have been planning a return trip to Dartmouth for 18 years. It hasn`t happened yet.

I keep thinking of my sister in law, that passed away last April. Hubby has 7 sisters and of all of them, she was his fav. She was funny and sweet, gracious and full of life. She passed out at work one day and never woke up. It was that fast.

I never got to know her the way that I wanted to, the way that I should have.

I can`t get her or her grieving husband and kids off of my mind.

Then there is the everyday shit. Bills, kids, work, and Christmas.

Christmas. I wonder what it will like this year, now that my oldest daughter is pretty much shacked up with her no good boyfriend.

Like I said, normal head clogging crap.

I wish that I could turn it all of sometimes.